Counseling Tip : How to Help Someone You Care For Have Stronger Self-Esteem

In our counseling practice, it’s not only the people who see us that are sometimes concerned with their own self-esteem, but they are sometimes concerned about the people they care about. Low self-esteem can affect any relationship and it isn’t always on the person seeking counseling.

Sometimes, relationships are strained from another’s low self-esteem too. Here is a list of ways to convey the message “You are worthwhile” to someone you care about. While there are many ways to do this, here are some places to begin.

Tell them on a regular basis that you love them. Actually say the words. If you think, “I don’t have to tell them. They know,” you are wrong. It doesn’t count if you think it but don’t say it out loud.
Spend time with them. If you are absent most of the time, they notice and may think it’s because they aren’t important enough.
Look at her when you speak to her. This conveys, “This is important and you are important.”
Look at him when he speaks to you. This conveys, “What you are saying is important. You are important.”
Explain why. It takes more time, but it conveys that she is important enough to spend the time helping her understand. When you explain why, you are also saying, “I understand that you need to know why. I am going to help you meet your needs.”
When he tells you about something that happened, ask him how he feels about it. Take the time to listen to his answer.
When you ask a question, encourage her to elaborate. Say, “Tell me more about that,” or ask, “What was that like?”
When you ask a question, don’t interrupt when she is answering.
When you ask a question, watch your responses. Don’t disagree or criticize his answer. This teaches him that it isn’t safe to be candid and will make him edit what he tells you.
Take her seriously.
Say no when you need to say no.
When you say no, explain why.
When you say yes, explain why.
When you know that you have disappointed him, acknowledge it. Ask him how he feels about it.
Spend time alone with her. Arrange activities for just the two of you.
Ask him what he would like to do.
Give her a private space where she can express herself.
Respect his privacy.
If he did a good job on something, say so.
If she didn’t do such a good job on something, point out what she did well.
When you are giving feedback, describe specific behavior.
When there is a problem, focus on the issue, not the person. For example, “You didn’t so what you said you would” is more constructive than “You never finish anything.”
Ask what he thinks.
Let her be the one to choose the restaurant, movie, or activity some of the time.
Ask him to go with you on routine errands just because you want to spend some time with him.
Touch her when you talk to her.
Give him a hug at least every few days.
Look up and smile when he walks into the room.
Ask her to tell you about the book she is reading or the movie she just saw.
Look for ways to maintain your own self-esteem. If you are unhappy, discontent, or disappointed in how your life is turning out, it will be difficult for you to build the self-esteem of someone else.
Make certain that your body language matches your words. If they are out of sync, he will be aware of it.
Be yourself. Tell the truth.
Be appropriate. You don’t have to say everything that is on your mind or tell him things he isn’t ready to know.