I Have Everything I’ve Ever Dreamed Of - Why Am I Not Happy?
Why We Feel Empty After Achieving Our Goals
When clients come to counseling with this exact question, we often look at two well-documented psychological phenomena:
The Arrival Fallacy: This is the mistaken belief that once you reach a certain destination or milestone (the dream job, marriage, house or income level) you will sustain permanent happiness.
Hedonic Adaptation: Also known as the “hedonic treadmill”, this is the brain’s natural tendency to quickly adapt to new, positive life changes and return to a baseline level of happiness.
Anhedonia vs. Burnout: If you feel a complete lack of pleasure in this you used to enjoy, it could be a sign of situational burnout nor mild anhehdonia, which is highly treatable through intentional lifestyle shifts and therapeutic support.
A few signs to look out for that may signal dissatisfaction or even depression:
• You don’t want to get out of bed.
• You have a hard time motivating yourself to do routine tasks.
• You have doubts about yourself.
• You feel mildly depressed for days at a time.
• You sometimes overeat and/or use alcohol and drugs to feel better or escape.
• You often feel chronically tired, de-energized, and listless.
• You worry about how you will keep things together.
• You feel bored or restless.
• You wish you were somewhere else.
• You often have headaches, stomach upset, and other body aches and pains.
• You sleep too little or too much.
• You have frequent bad dreams or nightmares.
• You oversleep.How can depression therapy help?
Feeling dissatisfied with your life is not a pleasant experience, but it can lead you in a positive direction. These feelings may be important because they are telling you that your actions are out of sync with your values, goals, or talents. When we live a life we value, we are happier, content and feel more hopeful.
In therapy, we often look at helping you clarify your values and how to incorporate more of them into your daily life using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
How well are you living a life that aligns with your values?
Imagine that your life is handed back to you and you are able to do anything you want. What is important to you? What values will direct you? The following list is a sample of some of the things we look at in therapy for depression. There are more. But, this is to help you get started and create your own list of important values.
Consider each word on the following list individually. It is not necessary to force-rank them or compare them against each other. Assign a rating to each word:
1 = Critically important to me; 2 = Important to me; 3 = I can live without it
Acceptance by others - Accomplishment - Activity - Authority - Beauty - Being liked
Being well-paid - Calm - Casualness - Certainty - Challenge - Choice - Comfort
Community service - Competition - Creativity - Enjoyment - Ethics - Excellence - Excitement
Fame - Financial security - Fitness - Flexibility - Fortune - Freedom - Fulfilling my potential
Fun - Growth - Harmony - Health - Helping others - Honesty - Independence
Now make a list that summarizes your most important values. If you think of something that isn’t listed, feel free to add it.
How Can You Live in Better Alignment with a Life You Truly Value?
The final part of this process (and this is a very streamlined version of what is possible) is to compare how you are currently spending your time with your list of most important values. What clues can you find that will help you find more satisfaction in your life?
Make a list of:
Things that don’t match
What you can do about it
If you’re struggling to find fulfillment despite working on this, speaking with a licensed therapist can help you realign with what truly brings you joy.
Depression Therapy can help you zero in on your values, to help alleviate symptoms you may be experiencing.